So, I recently took a look back at one of the defining musical movies of my lifetime (and yes, I know that shouldn’t be a list someone has multiple entries on to, but bear with me here), Repo! The Genetic Opera, and I found myself reflecting on other grand cinematic musicals that have formed such an important part of who I am, fundamentally, as a person.
And, obviously, it’s Muppet Treasure Island.
This movie is forever my go-to comfort watch; it has been for the better part of two decades, and I doubt that will ever change. It’s the movie I put on when I’m sick, the soundtrack I listen to when I want a great big warm hit of positive nostalgia, and the songs I am most likely to do at the karaoke after a couple of lemonades. I love it. It’s perfect. I can quote the entire man who lives in my finger scene from memory, and insist on doing so, regularly.
So I will not bore you with those details, and instead, I’ll get to the good stuff: talking about the banger songs. I’m going to rank these from worst to best (not that any of them are bad, but you know what I mean) as a thinly-veiled excuse to talk about how much I love them. Let’s get to it!
6. Love Led Us Here
Let me make it clear when I say there are no skips on this soundtrack, but this one really works best in the movie; the staging is objectively so fucking funny, and, juxtaposed with the incredibly earnest lyrics, it’s so much fun. I am also obsessed with the cutaway Tim Curry cackling in gold B-roll that they couldn’t find a better use for than this.
5. Something Better
I was really going through it in my early twenties, and I know because this song still makes me a little teary. I can remember flopping around my tiny kitchenette, drunk on wine, and listening to this, and frankly, I was right. I genuinely adore this number, from the simple, stripped-back staging to Rizzo with a tiny knife and fork, and it’s got that perfect Muppet blend of sincerity and utter silliness.
4. Shiver My Timbers
If you’re going to give me blatant exposition, it better at least come from a Muppet alligator with a bass vibrato, okay? This is such a great bit of stage-setting for the movie, and yes, I was a little bit scared by the talking skulls when I was a kid and I’m not going to hide from that part of myself. “When there’s money in the ground, there’s murder in the air” sounds like something a Dashiel Hammett character would say after taking a long draw on his cigarette, and that’s the magic of the Muppets, baby.
3. Sailing for Adventure
This is the most well-rounded number on musical cinema history. It’s got everything: rats harmonizing about drinking margheritas, a villainous B-plot, Kevin Bishop’s enchanting solo, Tim Curry literally changing the course of my attraction to men in six lines, Sam The Eagle looking directly down the lens like he’s in The Blair Witch Project. La La Land wishes it could have got anywhere close to just this sequence, and it’s right to.
2. A Professional Pirate
When I first met one of my dear friends Robin, I was visiting his place one afternoon and made passing mention of Muppet Treasure Island before I could so much as finished my sentence, Robin had cut me off with “WHEN I WAS JUST A LAD…”, and I knew he was never going to be able to get rid of me. It’s nothing controversial to say that Tim Curry’s number is one of the best in the movie, but God, it’s spectacular. This is Tim Curry’s finest hour for me, the villain monologue all other villain monologues wish they could be.
1. Cabin Fever
What else could snag the top spot? The meta-references, the outrageously opulent staging, the freaking German – “this once-proud vessel has become a floating pyscho ward”, I mean, come on. There’s no real reason for this number other than to throw together something huge and intricate and totally, totally foolish, and it’s a genuine four-minute slice of sheer joy.
Are you a die-hard Muppet Treasure Island truther, or have you got a different favourite Muppet movie? What are your favourite songs from the Muppet features? Let me know in the comments!
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By Lou MacGregor
(header image via ToughPigs)
No But Listen 